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SPORTING: Frank Forester: Outdoorsman, Polymath and Enigma

March 22, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Charles Thacher

I have collected antiquarian angling books for many years. Occasionally, I acquire a book that leads me to discover an author who is fascinating in ways that go far beyond the world of fishing. Henry William Herbert is one such author. 

Herbert left England at age 24 and sailed to New York City, arriving in the spring of 1831. He never returned. He was from a prominent, affluent and accomplished English family.  His grandfather was an Earl, his father a member of Parliament, later an esteemed clergyman, and a recognized authority in the fields of linguistics, literary composition and botany. Henry William himself had attended one of the best preparatory schools in England, followed by Eton and Cambridge, graduating with a commendable record less than a year before leaving for America.

In the spring of 1858, at age 51, Frank Forester, who could rightfully be described as the first sporting writer in America, sent a written invitation to his friends to come to his suite at the Stevens House, a fashionable New York City hotel. The invitation asked them to join him for dinner, and then to watch him shoot himself. Only one person showed up for the unusual event. After imbibing much, Forester left the dining table, went into another room, pointed a pistol at his heart, and shot himself. He staggered out, said to his guest “I told you I would do it”, and immediately expired. Forester died penniless, but an admirer of his many talents started a campaign to raise money for a gravestone to be placed in the New Jersey cemetery where he was buried. The effort produced a total of only $1.00, providing evidence of how few friends he had left at the time of his death. Eighteen years later a literary club formed in his honor placed a simple gravestone over his burial site, which remains there today. On it, his life is summarized with a single obscure Latin word, “Infelicissimus”. How tragic that a life full of remarkable productivity and accomplishment would be encapsulated simply as “unhappy.” 

How did life turn out so badly for Herbert, why did he become Frank Forester, and what is his modern legacy? The answers to these questions tell an intriguing story, full of twists and turns. 

In England, young Henry William had spent many days in the field with his father, gathering plant specimens, riding behind the hounds, and shooting. He also became an accomplished scholar, particularly of Greco-Roman literature and English classics. He was second in line for the family earldom, which was not a remote possibility given the risky personal behavior of his cousin who preceded him.

So why would such a promising and well situated young man abruptly decide to cross the Atlantic to start a new life? His several biographers haven’t identified a specific event that led to his decision, but there certainly was trouble in paradise. Henry William carried on a very expensive lifestyle in England that included upscale vacations, the acquisition and maintenance of many horses, sartorial elegance, high-end food and wines, gambling, and memberships in prestigious clubs. To afford these costly proclivities, he accumulated significant debts which caused him, as he told his friends many years later, to declare bankruptcy, and leading him to flee both creditors and his father’s wrath. But, as biographer William Hunt notes, there is no public record of his bankruptcies, and his father not only ultimately paid his debts, but also gave him letters of introduction to persons in Canada and, later, sent him money, so he could establish a successful life in the U.S. That does not hint at a young man who he had been disowned. Rather, Hunt surmises “The reason lies deeper, and we sense an offense against the rigorous social code, of his class, an offense that no paternal settlement could clear.” Herbert did make a brief trip to Canada, but found little of interest, and returned to the New York environs for the remainder of his life.

New York, in 1831, was the ideal place for Herbert to start over. With a population of 200,000 and growing rapidly. primarily from an influx of immigrants, it was already the largest city in the Nation (by comparison, London’s population then was over 1.5 million), and was fast becoming the center of American commerce after completion of the Erie Canal in 1827, which allowed ships coming into New York harbor to transport their cargos all the way to the Great Lakes. The printing and publishing industry was booming, with new magazines and newspapers starting nearly every month. Although the English were among the least popular of all immigrant groups, due to lingering memories of the War of 1812 and their perceived condescending attitude toward American culture and values, Herbert had the right training and talents to succeed. His haughtiness and frequently obnoxious temperament made it difficult to acquire and retain friends, but fortunately he met Anson Livingston, a well-heeled and connected young man who shared Herbert’s love of horses, field sports and various cultural interests. Through Livingston, Herbert was introduced to the hoity-toity set around town, which helped him secure a position teaching Greek at the Huddart Academy – an elite school – where he taught successfully for eight years. Livingston remained a lifelong friend, and was that person who joined Herbert for his final dinner.

Herbert didn’t earn enough from teaching to support his desired life style. He had great energy, both mental and physical, so he began looking for other remunerative activities. In 1833 he and a partner started the American Monthly Magazine, which he co-edited until 1835, when the partners separated because of disagreements. It was the first of his many relationships that failed, often due to his irascible temperament and uncompromising attitudes. In 1834, he produced his first book, The Brothers, a Tale of the Fronde, an historical novel in the style of Sir Walter Scott (as were many of his romantic historical novels). It was favorably received by critics, but was not a great commercial success. Herbert continued to write prodigiously, ultimately producing 51 original works (novels, histories, instructional manuals and compilations), 15 translations (from Greek, Latin and French), 9 books that he edited, 21 books to which he contributed, 11 anonymous books that are generally attributed to him, and hundreds of articles for newspapers, journals and magazines. Herbert was a polymath, and as a demonstration of the breadth of his knowledge, he is listed as a contributor to the first edition of The New American Cyclopedia, and credited with entries on dozens of diverse and unrelated subjects. He also became a skilled artist and engraver – illustrating many of his books. Herbert was an accomplished rider and trainer of horses, and some Keswickians might be interested in his 1857 publication, Horse and Horsemanship.

Herbert is a bibliographer’s nightmare, as many of his shorter articles and sections from works were re-used in other works. This practice was particularly irritating to his editors and publishers, because they could not be sure if a script was wholly original. He was also a serial procrastinator, regularly missing deadlines, resulting in his having to frequently change publishers and their refusing to risk giving him an advance for his writing commitments. He always lived beyond his means, and was constantly in debt, which ultimately contributed to his demise. But, his talents continue to be recognized by scholars, such as noted 20th Century American historian, Chester Starr who wrote that “as a classical scholar he had few equals in the United States . . . his knowledge of English history and literature was extensive; he was a pen-and-ink artist of marked ability.” Conversely, a more famous contemporary, Edgar Alan Poe, opined that Herbert’s writing was “not unapt to fall into pompous grandiloquence” and at times was “woefully turgid”, perhaps primarily to demonstrate that he, Poe, could compete with his own bloviated prose. 

When Herbert arrived in New York, writing about sports in America had just begun, with the advent of The American Turf Register and Sporting Magazine in 1829. In the Angler’s Souvenir, published in 1835 in England (where angling literature had existed since the late 15th Century), a dialogue between Fisher, the author, and another angler satirized the state of the art among Americans (sometimes satirically called Brother Jonathans):

‘Simpson: ‘Have you ever seen any American books on angling, Fisher?

‘Fisher: ‘No. I do not think there are any published. Brother Jonathan is not yet sufficiently civilized to produce anything original on the gentle art.’

In 1839, Herbert was asked to write a series of articles on field sports for The Turf Register.  He considered sporting activities to be a frivolous subject, so he adopted the pen name “Frank Forester” solely for his writing on sports, to protect his reputation as a serious author. Ultimately, he wrote six books about field sports. Ironically, frivolous has trumped literary, and today his books and articles on sports continue to be well known, while his other works have faded into obscurity. His first sporting book, published in 1845, was The Warwick Woodlands, a hunting novel that gained great popularity, and which many critics consider his best work. He produced two books on angling, but short pieces on angling were included in several of his other books, and in numerous compilations and magazines.  

The first American Edition of Izaak Walton‘s classic The Complete Angler (American spelling) was published in 1847. In this highly-acclaimed Edition, the only writing other than by Walton and the Editor, is an appended 10-page article by Forester entitled Trout-Fishing on Long Island. Although this seems to be an odd inclusion, it serves as a confirmation of Forester’s prestige and popularity as a sporting writer at the time.  The closing paragraph of this article provides some insight into the often arrogant Author’s capacity for specious humility:

And here I will bring the over-long paper to a close. No one can be more fully aware of its deficiencies than I am myself; the only apology I can offer is, that it has been thrown off in haste, at moments snatched from severer labors; and the only hope that I do offer it, is that it may contain some hint which may prove not wholly unworthy of better brothers of the angle than myself and that it may be regarded as a tribute of my affection to what has been well termed the gentle art.

Forester was the first American sporting writer to encourage conservation of resources and protection of the environment. In his writing, “catch and release” fishing is promoted long before other anglers grasped its importance, or the term even existed.

In 1839, while on a hunting trip in Maine, Forester met an attractive, well-born young lady, Sarah Barker. He was immediately smitten. They married and returned to New York shortly thereafter. In 1841 they had a son, then a daughter in 1843. The second birth left Sarah very ill, and eight months later she died, followed in another six months by her daughter’s death. The son was sent to England in 1845 to be cared for by Forester’s family, and he never returned. Although the marriage had been challenging due to Forester’s difficult temperament and his wife’s fragility, he had loved her, and was disconsolate over his loss. His father in England was sympathetic, and sent him funds for use in acquiring a property, which he did, on a river near Newark, New Jersey, the only American state that at the time allowed non-citizens to own property. There he built The Cedars, a house where he lived for most of the time until his death.

Forester rarely had visitors at The Cedars and wrote prolifically and well while there. Even though his income from writing was favorable, and when he was at home he lived like a hermit, and continued to spend beyond his means on his occasional sporting activities, fine hotels, expensive sporting equipment, and other luxuries. Most of his friends gradually drifted away, and his disputes with publishers and others grew more frequent and irrational. He became heavily indebted to an unethical money-lender. In 1858, he met Adela Budlong while in New York. He was infatuated, and they quickly married. He brought her to The Cedars, she reacted negatively to the dull life she found there, and soon they were quarrelling frequently. One morning, a few months after their marriage, she left The Cedars to visit some friends, with the agreement that they would meet up again in a few days at the Stevens House in New York City to bury the past, and rekindle their relationship. Forester rented the room and waited for her to arrive. When she didn’t show up on the agreed day, he began searching for her. Then he received a package of divorce papers from Indiana, over 700 miles away. Distraught over that, the pressure of his debts, and his unhappiness with every other aspect of his life, he sent the foreboding invitations to his few friends, and made plans for his denouement.

Among Forester’s best-known angling writing is a story Among the Mountains from a compilation of works published after his death called Fugitive Sporting Sketches. Here, he is visiting a friend who is guiding him in pursuit of a large trout. He refers to himself in the third person, and demonstrates that, for him, some trout are too impressive to practice catch and release:

At the moment they were there; and lo! The big trout was feeding fiercely on the natural fly. “Be ready, Frank, and when next he rises drop your fly right in the middle of his bell. Be easy, I mean it.”

The snipe feather fell and fluttered. With an arrowy rush, the monster rose, and his broad tail showed above the surface, the merry music of the resonant click-reel told that Frank had him. Well struck, he was better played, killed unexceptionally; in thirteen minutes he lay fluttering on the greensward, lacking four ounces, a six-pounder. The snipe feather and mouse body won the day in a canter. So off they started, up the Stony Brook, to admire the feats of {their friend}. It was not long ere they found him; he had reached the lower waters of the brook, full of beautiful scours, eddies, whirlpools and basins, wading about knee deep with his bait….Some trees on the bank hung thickly over his head; a few yards behind him was a pretty cascade and above that an open upland glade, lighted up by a gleam of the westering sun; and, altogether with his gay garb, he presented quite a picturesque, if not very sportsmanly, appearance…. 

A mind that could rejoice in the illuminated beauty of the natural world, but succumb to the darkness within. Enigmatic indeed. 

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Filed Under: Uncategorized

BOOKWORM REVIEWS: Etiquette for Runaways

March 22, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Liza Nash Taylor

The farmhouse where Liza Nash Taylor lives in Keswick, Virginia, with her family and dogs was built in 1825, and it is the opening setting of Etiquette for Runaways. She writes in the old bunkhouse, with the occasional black snake and a view of the Southwest Mountains. In 2018, Liza completed the MFA program at Vermont College of Fine Art and was named a Hawthornden International Fellow. She was the 2016 winner of the San Miguel Writer’s Conference Fiction Prize. Her short stories have appeared in Microchondria II, (an anthology by the Harvard Bookstore), Gargoyle Magazine, and others.

Etiquette for Runaways is her first novel. Look for her second, a standalone sequel, in 2021, also from Blackstone Publishing.

A sweeping Jazz Age tale of regret, ambition, and redemption inspired by true events, including the Great Moonshine Conspiracy Trial of 1935 and Josephine Baker’s 1925 Paris debut in Le Revue Négre.

1924. May Marshall is determined to spend the dog days of summer in self-imposed exile at her father’s farm in keswick, Virginia. Following a naive dalliance that led to heartbreak and her expulsion from Mary Baldwin College, May returns home with a shameful secret only to find her father’s orchard is now the site of a lucrative moonshining enterprise. Despite warnings from the one man she trusts — her childhood friend Byrd — she joins her father’s illegal business. When authorities close in and her father, Henry, is arrested, May goes on the run.

May arrives in New York City, determined to reinvent herself as May Valentine and succeed on her own terms, following in her mother’s footsteps as a costume designer. The Jazz Age city glitters with both opportunity and the darker temptations of cocaine and nightlife. From a start mending sheets at the famed Biltmore Hotel, May falls into a position designing costumes for a newly formed troupe of African American entertainers bound for Paris. Reveling in her good fortune, May will do anything for the chance to go abroad, and the lines between right and wrong begin to blur. When Byrd shows up in New York, intent upon taking May back home, she pushes him, and her past, away.

In Paris, May’s run of luck comes to a screeching halt, spiraling her into darkness as she unravels a painful secret about her past. May must make a choice: surrender to failure and addiction, or face the truth and make amends to those she has wronged. But first, she must find self-forgiveness before she can try to reclaim what her heart craves most.

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Filed Under: Book Worm

WHAT’S COOKING: Roasted Salmon with Sun-dried Tomato Kale Salad

March 22, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Sam Johnson, Deputy Director of Cullinary | 1776

I love this recipe it’s so fresh and inviting all your guests will love this dish. I have enjoyed making this over the years. Always a crowd pleaser and super easy. Keswick put this on your next dinner menu. Cozy up with a nice glass of wine and this dish.

Salmon Ingredients:

  • 4 salmon fillets 6 ounces each
  • 4 garlic cloves, minced
  • 1 tablespoon minced fresh rosemary 
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  • 2 teaspoons minced fresh thyme 
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon pepper
  • 2 cups of white wine 

Kale Salad Ingredients:

  • 1 Bunch of Kale Chopped 
  • 1-1/2  Cups of sundried tomatoes sliced
  • 2 Cups of Black olives 
  • ½ Cup of Olive Oil
  • ¼ Cup of lemon juice 
  • Salt and Pepper to taste 

Salmon Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 425°.
  2. Place salmon in a greased 15x10x1-in. baking pan, skin side down.
  3. Combine remaining ingredients; spread over fillets.
  4. Pour white wine around the salmon.
  5. Roast to desired doneness, 15-18 minutes.

Kale Salad Directions:

  1. Combine oil, lemon juice, and salt and pepper in a bowl whisk together.
  2. Pour Over remain ingredients toss together.
  3. Serve over salmon. Fun tip add a little crumble feta to the top.
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COVER STORY: Looking Back at 2019

February 19, 2020 By Keswick Life

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As is the tradition, on the cover, was an excellent review of where we have been in 2019. As we begin 2020 we wanted readers to take a moment to look back, so we have pulled together the best from 2019 and put them all in one place. We wish everyone a new year that’s quite simply the best.

January

Looking forward to 2019 – Molly and Robert Hardie, owners of Keswick Hall are pleased to announce the multimillion dollar transformation and partnering with Chef Jean George Vongerichten who will oversee the property’s culinary operation. UVA plans new school of Data Science following the 120 million dollar gift (the largest in the University’s history, given by Jaffrey Woodfriff, trustee of Quantitative Foundation.)

February “Keswick Hunt Phase 1 Completed”

At 6 PM on February 23, a hundred and forty pairs of eyes blinked and went wide as Hunt Club members walked through the front door of the renovated club. People were agog at the sight of the gleaming floor, the new porch, dining room created from the former storage room and kitchen, the new curtains festooned with hunting scenes, and the 137 photos hanging on the walls which had been cleaned, reframed, captioned and hung in orderly groups on the walls.

March “Historic Virginia Garden Week”

Keswickians Guide to Local Destinations

This driving tour through the Keswick environs of Somerset and Orange celebrates the Centennial of the Dolley Madison Garden Club, a founding member of the Garden Club of Virginia, and host of the tour. Four gracious homes, with links to the earliest history of this beautiful place, highlight the area’s agricultural and equestrian roots.

Keswick Scene

Keswick resident and accomplished floral and event designer, Gregory Britt, opens an interesting new venture in the Keswick environs. He had driven by Blue Bomar’s old mechanic’s garage many times and one day in February he noticed that it was empty. The Keswick Hunt Club held their annual Hunt Ball marking the end of the hunting season. The black tie affair was held in the freshly renovated clubhouse which is now available to the public for special event rentals.

April “Keswick! Horse Showing as it was meant to be…”

Every spring in May when all the country is beautiful, the Club holds its annual Horse Show unique in point of originality and emblematic of the highest sport of sporting spirit there being no Club prizes and only laurels to the winners in the form of ribbons. Private Cups, the gifts of individuals, are often presented, but these are not Club prices. It is a gathering of the gentry from far and near to enter into friendly competition, their best carriage teamsn and best hunters as well as their saddle horses and children’s ponies. Pippin Hard Cider has just released two new blends to market: Ginger and All Hopped Up. Riding the median between dry and sweet, Ginger combines fresh-pressed apples with ginger root and a kiss of oak to create an exhilarating and thirst-quenching hard cider. Twenty winders from the Monticello Wine Trail (MWT) competed in the 2019 Monticello Cup Wine Competition, a friendly competition among wineries in the Monticello American Viticultural Area (AVA). This year’s competition was coordinated by the Virginia Wine & Spirits Academy, and all entered wines contained a minimum of 85% fruit from the Monticello AVA and were produced by a member of the MWT-included in the winners was Keswick Vineyards.

May “Beyond the Gates!”

Please join us June 8 as we celebrate 10 years of charitable giving and present our 10th Anniversary Historic Farm Tour and Country Fair, “beyond the gates.” Come along with us as we go “beyond the gates,” past those rock walls and stroll with us down the tree lined paths to six of Keswick’s celebrated historic farms, the Keswick Hunt Club, and Grace Church. Our chosen route for this special day in the country was first traveled by Virginia’s earliest settlers Confederate and Union troops and the grounds are as beautiful as they were then.

June “The Wedding Issue”

Margaret Sutherland Carragher and David Gregory Kalergis, Jr. met at the wedding of their mutual friends, Annie and Drew Thomasson, in May 2016. There was an immediate spark of attraction and three years later, Maggie and David wed at James Monroe’s Highland in Charlottesville on June 1, 2019. Jacqueline Camille Langholtz and William Randolph Taylor met by chance at Commonhouse, in Charlottesville, just weeks after the social blub opened in the summer of 2017. The attraction was instantaneous and mutual, and on June first they were married in the chapel of St. Paul’s Memorial Church in Charlottesville. Bianca Moreira Catta-Preta and Ross Michael Svetz were married on June 15th at the mountaintop cabin on East Belmont Farm.

July “Summer Exercise”

Many people believe the phrase “dog days of summer” stems from the fact that dogs tend to be a bit on the lazy side during the hottest days of summer. Of course, who can blame them? However, the Keswick Foxhounds still must be exercised during the “dog days of summer” as they are enjoying their vacation from the busy foxhunting season of September through March. So beginning in the early summer they walk through the miles of fabulous grounds of the Keswick Estate, then later they are followed by the jt. MFH’s, hunstman and whippers-in on bicycles. August begins and the older hounds take the puppies along and begin hunting through the corn and bean fields of the Keswick environs. Final renovation have begun on the Keswick Hunt Club. To date, the members have their clubhouse, and the hounds have their kennel. What connects us all are the horses. Now, it’s their turn. The new barn will feature a standing seam metal gambrel roof, seven horse stalls, a washroom, a tack room, storage, and a bathroom. The structure will also include a spacious living space on the second floor with a new kitchen, two baths, three bedrooms and an open living area which connects to a roof deck overlooking the mountains. For the barn itself, we will reassemble the extraordinarily high quality stall components from the Merifield’s Barn that were generously donated by its owner.

August “Cooling Down”

Keswick can be extremely brutal in the summer. It’s hot, muggy, full of dusty rock roads, and pretty smelly stalls, too. Factor in that most of us who live and work here have to wear full-coverage clothing when it’s burning hot outside (not to mention that riders wear protective vests), and you’ve got a recipe for about four months of complete and utter overwhelm. As the weather heats up, we find ourselves desperately reaching for things that keep us cool – not just Kohr Bros and air conditioning, but also portable fans, facial mists, cooling clothes, and a little dip like this fox found, perhaps, on a Keswick farm.

Horsin around Will Coleman’s up-and-coming partner Chin Tonic HS made a smashing impression in his FEI debut at the 2019 MARS Great meadow International, winning the CCI2-S class on his dressage score. Keswick Horses excelled at the World Champion Saddlebreds crowned in Kentucky.

September “Hot Supervisor Race – Get Out and Vote!”

As is the tradition, on the cover, Keswick Life goes deep and has caught up with the candidates in the closely contested Albemarle Supervisor’s race in the Rivanna District which governs the beautiful Keswick area. Our forum style question and answer format sets the bar high for the candidates and let’s our readers get the indepth view they need to make an informed vote on November 5th. Read all about it starting on page 8 with Mike Johnson, and page 10 with Bea LaPisto Kirtley.

The beautiful and historic Keswick Hall is set to reopen late Summer 2020, following the completion of an extensive and loving restoration that marries the resort’s classic style and sophistication with luxurious comfort and modern amenities. As part of the expansive and transformative restoration, Molly and Robert Hardie are creating five speculative homes at Keswick Estates, the residential enclave that is part of the property, provides residents the opportunity of enjoying resort life all year round.

The Keswick Hunt Club’s Puppy Show was established by Anne Coles in honor of her late husband, Eddie Coles to encourage club members and guests to be aware of the young hounds all while having a wonderful party! The foxhounds are a major resource for the KHC and their lineage can be traced back hundreds of years. Read all about this year’s puppy show held at Tivoli on page 16.

October “A Joyous Noise”

Grace Church Unveils its New Bespoke Pipe Organ

Article by Michael G. Latsko, Director of Music & Organist – photographs by Bill-Remington just in time for its 275th anniversary in 2020, Grace Church will have a refurbished, refreshed (and slightly taller) chancel, a new musician’s gallery framing an interior view of the beautiful tower stained glass window, and a brand new, bespoke pipe organ – the result of the unlikely combination of Mother Nature’s fury and what music director & organist Michael Latsko likes to call “blessed insurance,” a riff on the popular hymn “Blessed Assurance.”

Montpelier CEO Kat Imhoff leaves to join The Piedmot Environmental Council while Railey Cooley begins a new position at Richmond’s Manchester Studios. Get the full story and read all about their new ventures on page 13. And The Last Word on the Election Results – pretty much a bloodbath across the County for moderate and Republican candidates. The rest of the state, except Richmond and Tidewater is solid red. We are deeply divided. The Suburban Republican and the Rural Democrat are extinct.

November “Hunting Styles and Etiquette”

On the cover, co-MFH of Keswick Hunt Club, Nancy Wiley, Will Coleman and Mary Kalgeris. Fall is such a wonderful time of year when the field is mounted in full flight over hill and dale in pursuit of a good gallop in the countryside. The Hunt is an exhilarating sport for those adventuresome types, as well as for meeker types who follow on foot. We often need to refresh the traditions and etiquette of this age old sport. Foxhunting is meant to be a fun sport, after all most foxhunters have risen early, cleaned a horse, tack, clothes, etc. shipped to the meet and then are expecting a fun morning in the sport. As each new season begins, it is never inappropriate to remind ourselves of the courtesies. Hunt clubs all across the country have begun their formal season with their Opening Meet and holding their traditional Blessing of the Hounds.

This year’s Opening Meet was held at Cloverfields, the pack set off at 9 a.m. and returned at noon to a Hunt Breakfast. The field and spectators were thoroughly welcomed with ham biscuits and a hot toddy before the hounds moved off. If you happened upon this rare site, you might wonder what century you were in as the opening meet has been held at Cloverfields since 1896. The Blessing of the Hounds at Grace Church started in 1929, so it’s been happening a long time, and fox hunting has been a tradition and a sport in Albemarle County since the colonial days.

Of all the places on the Little Keswick School campus where students work toward life-altering growth, the Depot is where the real magic happens. “LKS is a thriving, compassionate, dynamic community, and the Depot is its beating heart,” Gaillee says. “From our first day touring the campus, where we met many of our son’s future friends at lunch, to the many talent shows, Community Meetings and parent workshops—the Depot holds such a special place in our hearts.” This spring, as their son transitioned out of LKS, the Fitzpatricks thought about how much he loves the Depot and how they all would miss the feeling of coming to a second home there. To ensure this special place lasts far into the future, they decided to fund a much-needed renovation of the historic building.

December “Great Cause, New Name”

The Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation’s Montpelier Farm located at James Madison’s Montpelier Estate, the plantation home of the Madison family located in Orange County, Virginia, will now be operated under the auspices of the Virginia Thoroughbred Project (VTP) in cooperation with The Montpelier Foundation, the TRF announced Monday. The VTP is a newly formed organization lead by President, Sue Hart, along with several members of the former Montpelier Advisory Board. Under this new arrangement, 41 Thoroughbreds formerly cared for by the TRF have been adopted by the VTP and will remain on the pastoral estate and managed by the current Farm Manager, Crystal Weve.

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Filed Under: Cover Story

WHAT’S COOKING: Peanut Soup with Chicken

February 17, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Sam Johnson, Deputy Director of Cullinary | 1776

This is a west African dish I have made into my own I absolutely love this soup it’s so hearty and good. Great for cold evening beside the fireplace or goes over well with a group of friends. It will be a hit. It has such a depth of flavor that builds over time. One of my favorites things to do is drizzle spicy garlic oil over the bowl when finished. Enjoy Keswick!!

Ingredients:

  • 1 tablespoon Olive Oil
  • 1 Pound Diced Cooked Chicken add  in and let come to the temperature of the soup
  • 1 Medium onion
  • 2 tablespoons Garlic
  • 2 inches chunk Ginger
  • 2 teaspoons Cumin
  • ½ teaspoon Red chili flakes
  • ¾ teaspoon Salt
  • 1 pound Sweet potatoes/ cut into 1/2 inch cubes
  • ½ cup Tomato paste
  • 5 cups Chicken  stock
  • 3 cups Collard greens (ribs removed and chopped into bite-sized pieces)
  • 1 Cup Fresh cilantro

Directions:

  1. In a large cooking pot warm the oil on medium heat. Once warm, add the chopped onion, ginger and garlic and sauté for about 5 minutes.
  2. Stir in the cumin, chili flakes, and salt and cook 1 minute. Add the sweet potatoes, tomato paste and peanut butter. Finally, add in the vegetable stock. Mix until the stock dissolves the tomato paste and peanut mixture.
  3. Turn the heat up, cover the pot and bring to a boil. Once boiled remove the lid and reduce the heat to a simmer. Let simmer about 15 minutes or until the sweet potatoes are soft and tender. Use the back of the wooden spoon to mash up about half the potatoes to thicken the soup. 
  4. Add the collard greens, turn up the heat and boil uncovered for 5 minutes. Taste and season with more salt if needed. Diced Cooked Chicken add in ant end let come to the temperature of the soup. 
  5. Serve with a side of rice, top with fresh cilantro and chopped peanuts if desired and enjoy!
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Filed Under: What's Cooking

BOOKWORM REVIEWS: Looking Back – Popular Books Over the Last Decades

February 17, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Suzanne Nash

The next two months I am going to do a little something different.  I was inspired by an English book shop to take a look back at the last 20 years of what was popular in the bookstore world across different genres, including children’s books.  Because it is a pretty long list of books, I thought I would divide it into the next two months. Some of these I have read and reviewed and some I have not, but it’s interesting to remember what we were reading and what we may have missed. My list from 2000-2009 follows:

2000

  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
  • His Dark Materials: The Amber Spyglass by Philip Pullman
  • Storm Breaker by Anthony Horowitz
  • The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
  • White Teeth by Zadie Smith
  • Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
  • Persepolis 1& 2 by Marjane Satrapi
  • The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood
  • London by Peter Ackroyd
  • The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
  • Experience by Martin Amis
  • The Glass Palace by Amitav Ghosh
  • Bad Blood by Lorna Sage
  • A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
  • When I Lived in Modern Times by Linda Grant
  • English Passengers by Matthew Kneale
  • Arthur: The Seeing Stone by Kevin Crossley Holland

2001

  • Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix by J. K. Rowling
  • Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman
  • Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer
  • American Gods by Neil Gaiman
  • The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
  • Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve
  • A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket
  • Atonement by Ian McEwan
  • The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
  • The Magicians’ Guild by Trudi Canavan
  • Life of Pi by Yann Martel
  • Austerlitz by W. G. Sebald
  • My Name is Red by Orphan Pamuk
  • True History of the Kelly Gang by Peter Carey
  • According to Queeney by Beryl Bainbridge
  • Seabiscuit by Laura Hillenbrand
  • The Wind Singer by Willliam Nicholson
  • Empire Falls by Richard Russo
  • The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen

2002

  • Coraline by Neil Gaiman
  • Any Human Heart by William Boyd
  • Fingersmith by Sarah Waters
  • Eragon by Christopher Paolini
  • The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
  • Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
  • If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things by Jon McGregor
  • Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
  • The Crimson Petal and the White by Michel Faber
  • Spies by Michael Frayn
  • White Mughals by William Dalrymple
  • The Impressionist by Hari Kunzru

2003

  • The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon
  • The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
  • A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson
  • Dissolution by C. J. Sansom
  • The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
  • How to Train Your Dragon by Cressida Cowell
  • Stasiland by Anna Funder
  • We Need to Talk about Kevin by Lionel Shriver
  • Inkheart by Cornelia Funke
  • The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
  • Oryx & Crake by Margaret Atwood
  • The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
  • Empire by Niall Ferguson
  • Eat, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss
  • Brick Lane by Monica Ali
  • Giving Up the Ghost by Hilary Mantel
  • Reading Lolita in Tehran by Azar Nafisi
  • Vernon Good Little by DBC Pierre
  • A Gathering Light by Jennifer Donnelly
  • Thursbitch by Alan Garner
  • Property by Valerie Martin

2004

  • Case Histories by Kate Atkinson
  • Watching the English by Kate Fox
  • Wolf Brother by Michelle Paver
  • Millions by Frank Cottrell Boyce
  • Gillead by Marilynne Robison
  • Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell
  • The Various Haunts of Men by Susan Hill
  • Chronicles Volume 1 by Bob Dylan
  • Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke
  • Attention All Shipping by Charlie Connelly
  • The Line of Beauty by Alan Hollinhurst
  • Dragon Rider by Cornelia Funke
  • The Spook’s Apprentice by Joseph Delaney
  • Travels with Herodotus by Ryszard Kapuscinski
  • Old Filth by Jane Gardam
  • Fleamarket Close by Ian Rankin
  • 2666 by Roberto Bolano
  • How I live Now by Meg Rosoff

2005

  • Never let me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
  • Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief by Rick Riordan
  • Harry Potter and the HalfBlood Prince by J. K. Rowlings
  • Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts
  • Kafka on the Shore by Murakami
  • Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
  • The Island by Victoria Hislop
  • Looking for Alaska by John Green
  • The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
  • The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
  • On Beauty by Zadie Smith
  • The Sea by John Banville
  • Rapture by Carol Ann Duffy
  • Magyk by Angie Sage
  • Beyond Black by Hilary Mantel
  • Postwar by Tony Judt
  • Hitler’s Canary by Sandi Toksvig
  • Out Stealing Horses by Per Petterson
  • March by Geraldine Brooks
  • Arthur and George by Julian Barnes
  • Stuart by Alexander Masters
  • A Short History of Tractors in Ukranian by Marine Lewycka
  • 1599 by James Shapiro
  • Marley and Me by John Grogan
  • Untold Stories by Alan Bennett
  • Like a Fiery Elephant by Jonathon Coe

2006

  • The Secret- 10th Anniversary Edition by Rhonda Byrne
  • The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
  • The Boy in the Striped Pajamas by John Boyne
  • Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
  • Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
  • The Road by Cormac McCarthy
  • The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
  • Once by Morris Gleitzmann
  • Eat, Pray, Love by Eizabeth Gilbert
  • The Looming Tower by Lawrence Wright
  • The Arrival by Shaun Tan
  • The Shock Doctrine by Naomi Klein
  • Fun Hoe by Alison Bechdel
  • The inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai
  • The Audacity of Hope by President Barrack Obama
  • Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky
  • The Lay of the Land by Richard Ford
  • Be Near Me by Andrew O’Hagan

2007

  • Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowlings
  • The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss
  • Ottoline and the Yellow Cat by Chris Riddell
  • The Gathering by Anne Enright
  • Born to Run by Michael Morpurgo
  • The Shack by William P. Young
  • Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
  • The Uncommon Reader by Alan Bennett
  • The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz
  • The Discovery of France by Graham Robb
  • Darkmans by Nicola Barker
  • Peeling the Onion by Gunter Grass
  • The We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris

2008

  • Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Stroud
  • The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins 
  • The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness
  • The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
  • The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Annie Barrows
  • Bad Science by Ben Goldacre
  • The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga
  • Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyers
  • Leviathan by Philip Hoare
  • The Suspicions of Mr. Whicher by Kate Summerscale
  • Homicide by David Simon
  • A Fraction of the Whole by Steve Toltz
  • The Road Home by Rose Tremain
  • The Rest is Noise by Alex Ross
  • Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer

2009

  • Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
  • Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel
  • One Day by David Nichols
  • A Death in the Family by Karl Ove Knausgaard
  • The City and The City by China Mieville
  • Brooklyn by Colm Toibin
  • The Help by Kathryn Stockett
  • The Spirit Level by Kate Pickett & Richard Wilkinson
  • The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters
  • Nothing to Envy by Barbara Demick
  • The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver
  • Open by Andre Agassi
  • Home by Marilynne Robinson
  • The Junior Officers’ Reading Club by Patrick Hennessey
  • The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell
  • Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin
  • Jeff in Venice, Death in Varanasi by Geoff Dyer
  • Let the Great World Spin by Colum Mccann
  • A Gambling Man by Jenny Uglow
  • The Secret Lives of Somerset Maugham by Selina Hastings
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Filed Under: Book Worm

COVER STORY: Newley formed Virginia Thoroughbred Project to relace Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation at Montpelier

February 16, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Keswick Life

President Sue Hart and Farm Manager Crystal Wever

Montpelier Farm located at James Madison’s Montpelier will now be operated by the newly created Virginia Thoroughbred Project.

The Virginia Thoroughbred Project will replace the Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation, which had its lease terminated by the Montpelier Foundation last month, according to the Orange County Review. The surprise move came in the wake of an April meeting during which the chief executive officer of TRF, John Roche, told the sanctuary’s local board of directors he was moving its treasury — funds donated in support of the Montpelier TRF operation — to national headquarters in Saratoga Springs, New York. Several TRF board members resigned soon after, some in protest

The TRF Montpelier program was established in the fall of 2003 and has been operating at the same location since inception, according to the release. Over the years, the program has re-trained and adopted out dozens of ex-racehorses and provides a sanctuary for those that cannot go on to second athletic careers.

The Virginia Thoroughbred Project will be led by Sue Hart, and will care for the 41 thoroughbreds formerly cared for by the Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation and will remain on the estate, according to a news release.

“We are delighted that the horses, many of whom are advanced in age, are able to remain on the grounds of Montpelier, where they have resided for a number of years,” said Hart, Chair of the Board of Directors of VTP, in a written statement. “Moreover, the TRF staff, under the direction of farm manager Crystal Wever, has been together for several years and has a solid, well-established, and cooperative working relationship which will continue as a unit under the newly-formed VTP. Members of the Board of Directors  are Donald Place, Connie Dulaney, Sally Hamlin, Carolyn Beverly, and Peggy Augustus. Arthur Bryant is not on the board but is an advisor. Kat Imhoff, former Montpelier CEO and Doug Trout current interim CEO have also been instrumental in forming VTP.

Tax deductible donations can be sent to Montpelier Foundation, clearly marking them FBO VTP. The address is P.O. Box 911, Orange, VA 22960. The  501c3 has been applied for.

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ONLY IN KESWICK: The Joy of a Fake Christmas

February 16, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Tony Vanderwarker

I wrote about the joy I felt last Christmas but when the event repeated itself this holiday season, I was even more ecstatic. 

Opening the door to the basement in the cottage, I remembered the rush of excitement I felt when I was a little kid coming down the stairs on Christmas morning and seeing all the wrapped presents clustered under the tree. Only this present was even more joy-producing. 

Wrapped in a plastic tarp was the fake Christmas tree we’d purchased at Home Depot last year. We’d stored it in the cellar completely assembled, replete with all its lights, thinking we’d retrieve it next Christmas. 

And there it was, a Christmas tree for the taking. No driving to the Christmas tree lot, no stomping around in the cold looking for the perfect tree (by the way, there is no such thing. In my experience, every tree I’ve ever seen has missing branches somewhere, forcing you to turn the tree so the glitch faces the corner or wall. What do you want for ninety-five bucks anyway?), then tying it to the top of the car, driving home, wedging it through the door and then dropping it into the tree stand. A tree stand, by the way, is one of the most imperfect devices ever invented, right up there with the corkscrew and bulb planter. 

The tree stand is the ultimate time sink. Expect to spend a good hour trying to get the tree straight and then struggling to turn those dastardly bolts that are supposed to grip the trunk so the tree doesn’t topple over. Of course it only comes crashing down when its loaded with ornaments, the kind of glad tidings you only get during the Christmas holidays, like the hot oil exploding when you drop the turkey in or the major present you hid so well you can’t find it. 

Annie and I turned the tree on its side took it out through the cellar door, loaded it the Gator and drove it back to the house. Five minutes had passed and we had a Christmas tree gracing our living room.  Plugged it in, tapped the floor switch and…oops! Two sections of lights blinked on but two didn’t. Was this the ghost of Christmas past coming back to haunt us? Would I have to go to Lowe’s again and buy more lights just like in the bad old days? But no, we quickly discovered that the two unlit sections had come unplugged, I guess when we stuffed it through the cellar door.  When we plugged them in, the lights came on. 

A half hour later, we had the tree loaded with the familiar ornaments we’d stored in the garage. The Mercedes hood ornament from one of our former cars, the Heineken can turned into an ornament, the lobster, the cow, etc. etc. 

Thirty-five minutes total and we had an honest to goodness lighted and fully-decorated Christmas tree (that’s if you don’t look too closely or feel the needles)!

Damn, was I pleased with myself. I had totally eradicated one of the more onerous parts of the holidays. Now all I had to do was find the spray aptly named Scentsations that gave the fake tree that real tree scent and I was in business. 

So, do I occasionally feel a touch of regret for having a fake tree with a fake scent? Have a sense of guilt for ducking out of a hallowed Christmas tradition? 

Not on your life. Not only have I saved a tree from being sawn down, I’ve saved ninety-five bucks, three trips to Lowe’s, countless hours untangling strands of light and frustrating bouts with the cursed tree stand–for as they sing, “There’s no place like home for the holidays…” I might add–especially when you’ve got a fake tree gracing it.

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ONLY IN KESWICK: A Special Feature of Tony Vanderwarker’s Short Stories

February 16, 2020 By Keswick Life

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Goldfinger

This has nothing to do with Keswick but it’s a good story. 

We all have reminders of who we used to be and the things we did. Photos, an old football helmet, a locket or faded handwriting on an old letter. Me? I have two gold nuggets, one a ring and the other a pendant. 

I was twenty and in the Peace Corps in the Republic of Guinea on the west coast of Africa. Guinea has an important connection to Charlottesville as that’s where the basketball star Mamedi Diakite grew up. He started out playing soccer but fortunately as he began to sprout up, his parents suggested he switch to basketball. The rest is history. 

But back to Guinea. The country has extensive gold mines and Guineans love to wear gold. Heavy gold earrings, gold bracelets, gold chains and bracelets. After a appreciating their gold jewelry for a year and learning that local goldsmiths could craft gold nuggets, I decided to get a couple. I’d become a touch Africanized in my year and a half in the country. Like the Guineans, I wore clear plastic Chinese sandals, brightly-printed shirts and French planter suits, so it seemed totally natural for me to sport a couple gold nuggets. 

The details are now hazy. I don’t remember exactly which village the goldsmith was in or how much I paid for the nuggets but I can remember sitting on the dirt floor of his mud hut and watching the old guy make them. He crouched over his fire and carefully poured molten gold into a batch of pebbles, then, as the gold started to cool, he picked the pebbles out of the gold leaving behind an irregularly-shaped and indented object that seemed to resemble what one would imagine a gold nugget to look like. He made a second one, crafted a ring to attach to the back of it, a loop to hold a chain for the pendant, threaded the chain through the loop and I was in business. I hung the pendant around my neck, put the ring on my finger, paid the goldsmith for his work and proudly strode off through the village. 

It never occurred to me what a twenty year-old white kid from Connecticut would look like wearing a huge gold nugget on my left pinky and another on a chain around my neck until I got to Heathrow Airport on my way home. Going through immigration, I was surprised when one of the officers beckoned me to leave the line and follow him. He escorted me into a small office, closed the door, locked it and began to grill me. Who was I? Where did I come from? And where was I going? And what was that gold jewelry I was wearing?

From time to time, he would get up and leave, locking the door behind him. When he returned, it was the same story: Who was I? Where did I come from? And where was I going? And what was that gold jewelry I was wearing?

This went on for six hours. Back then, I was puzzled. Why were they retaining me? What did they think I had done? Are they going to deport me? But now I realize that with my long hair and gold nuggets, I must have looked like a drug dealer, international smuggler or NFL wide receiver. Or at least, someone worthy of suspicion. 

They finally let me go, never telling me why they’d retained me. But over time, I decided that the nuggets attracted too much attention, particularly back in the States. People looked at me like they were thinking: Why is that kid wearing a honking big gold nugget on his finger and one hanging around his neck? What’s his story?

So I stopped wearing them. But put them away until my wife, Annie, discovered them, she asked: “Can I wear them? They’re great! I’d love to wear them!” Having long ago abandoned the thought of being an NFL wide receiver, I said, “Sure, happy to have you enjoy them.”

So every time she wears my gold nugget pendant or puts on my nugget ring, it takes me back to the mud hut in Africa, the grizzled old goldsmith and the detention center at Heathrow, things I never would have experienced had I not decided, fifty odd years ago, that I couldn’t live without a couple gold nuggets.  

The Ups and Downs of Country Living

For all the serenity and simplicity living in the country affords, there’s a price to be paid. Sure it’s tranquil and beautiful but it has its downsides. 

Praying for rain after a long dry spell? Fed up with crispy, brown grass and leaves turning color way before they’re supposed to? Well, be careful what you wish for because you can get three inches of rain that knocks out your power and disables your TV and internet. Sure the grass turns green again but you can’t get your email or watch ESPN or run the dishwasher.

Want to go for a nice walk in the woods? Get ready to get ticked off. The little suckers burrow into your shin and munch your blood. And some have the effrontery to invade your private parts laying a fat gray egg where you least want to find it.

Plant a raft of tulips in the fall and eagerly look forward to seeing them pop up and bloom in the spring? They might pop up but the deer nibble them to stubby nubs before they have a chance to bloom. 

Looking out proudly on your expanse of green lawn but dreading having to hop on the mower twice a week to keep up? Well when August comes, your rich green lawn will look like someone took a flamethrower to it.

Usually, traffic isn’t a big deal in the country unless you run into an accident on 250 and decide to take 64 instead. Wrong move because the rest of the world has decided to do the same thing and 64 is now a parking lot.

Septic systems are an unseen ally until your toilet gurgles. Gurgling means your septic tank is full of you-know what and you’re suddenly into writing big time checks. You’re lucky if its only six hundred bucks to pump out the tank because you could get hit with a bum pump and then you’re out a couple grand. Suddenly you find yourself paying $3000 to go to the bathroom.

Just when you’ve got the freezer packed with all kinds of goodies you’ve harvested from the garden, a hurricane hits and knocks out the power for a week and you find yourself emptying the freezer into the trash.

You face up to the fact that you need to replace your pool cover. Get a spanking new one that matches the color of the grass so you can hardly notice it. Problem is that deer don’t notice it either and walk right over it, crashing through the cover, ripping a hole in it and cutting up your pool liner with their sharp hooves as they try to escape. The deer-drop-in costs you your insurance deductible. Just feel lucky the deer wasn’t a cow because, as our insurance agent told us, domestic animals aren’t covered.

Zero turn mowers are the sports cars of the mowing world. Nimble and maneuverable, they can run circles around trees and bushes, turn on a dime and deftly respond to your every command. Problem is the two rear wheels are powered separately, which makes them agile but when one wheel gets stuck in mud, since the two wheels aren’t connected the unstuck one tells the stuck one to take a hike so the more you try to power out , the deeper you bury the wheel and mowing quickly turns into towing.

Another downside to country living is when a hurricane or snowstorm is coming, you can’t get to the grocery store fast enough. I don’t care if you go three days before, you won’t find an egg, carton of milk or loaf of bread in the entire store. When threatened with a weather catastrophe, instead of buying shovels or salt or plywood, country people buy bread, turning into locusts, devouring shelves upon aisles of loaves. Grocery stores end up looking like third-world food stores just before a currency devaluation. 

Snow falling in the country is beautiful but there’s a huge downside. Snow brings out the worst in country drivers. When they’re faced with a steep hill, they put the pedal to the metal so the rear wheels spin out and slide the car into a ditch. Same goes for going down a hill, only this time they hit the brake so hard its ditch time again, Moral of this story is, when it snows, stay home and eat whatever bread you were able to save from the grocery store.

Ponds are great, pleasing to look at and fun to fish in. Unless the pool drain begins to leak. Since drains are way down at the pool’s bottom in case you want to completely empty it, when it leaks the drain threatens to drain the pool dry, leaving you a layer of fish a foot deep. So you need to quickly call in a backhoe guy to fix it. Now the backhoe guy knows you’re up against the wall so his fee automatically ascends. He tells you, “I can drop my current job and get over there quick and fix it but it ain’t gonna be cheap.” So the leaking drain not only drains the pond but your wallet too. 

But I wouldn’t trade living in the country for anything. You just need to know peace and quiet can cost you

Weirdnesses In Life

What got me thinking about the odd things in life was a dental implant I had recently. In order to insure that there is sufficient bone below the sinus to hold the implant, the prosthodontist inserts cadaver bone (yup, you heard it right) to encourage my jawbone to grow, kind of a bone growth cheerleader. So I began thinking, I now have a dead guy in my mouth. How weird is that?

I guess I should thank the deceased guy (or female) for being so generous but he or she is stone-cold dead and unaware that part of them is in my mouth. Talk about having your foot in your mouth, how about having someone else’s foot in your mouth? 

So on my Virginia driver’s license, down in the lower left corner is a notation, alongside a tiny black heart, that I am an organ donor. So if I go down in a car wreck, my foot could (or my arm, or shoulder, or leg) go into someone’s mouth. 

I guess that’s a nice thought, better than your bone’s going into soup or something like that, but it’s still strange. 

And I had to sit there in the dentist’s chair while he stuffed someone’s foot into my mouth and it was like nothing weird was happening. The office was painted a restful color, soft music played, everything the dentist and his assistant would touch was wrapped in plastic, it was all normal EXCEPT….

There are other oddities in life, like when I sing in church and nobody looks at me. Because I can’t sing, I sound like a cross between a foghorn and a coyote. I can hear it, it’s grating, so off key there isn’t a noticeable note within five hundred yards. I sound awful. Once I was presenting a commercial to McDonalds, a spot with the McDonalds’ jingle and I was singing along and the head guy stops me and says, “Just read the lyrics, Tony, we know the song.” So why doesn’t the congregation turn and stare at me? How odd is that?

Okay, some other weird things. I like bright colors, I mean really bright colors. Like I have an orange pair of pants, not just orange, but red, yellow and blue too. I mean these pants are so bright, they are almost electric. And when I wear them out, to a party or something, someone always points at me, sneers and says, “Nice pants,” like they wouldn’t be caught dead in them. Does it faze me? Not at all. 

But it should. I mean who wears orange pants to a cocktail party? And I usually top off the pants with a bright contrasting shirt, so I end up looking like a flag semaphore. I guess wearing orange pants and a yellow shirt to a cocktail party is no weirder than having someone’s foot in your mouth, but it’s still weird. I just avoid singing when I’m wearing orange pants, I mean why push your luck?

Here’s another weirdness: I only wear Crocs, you know, those ugly rubber shoes that kids wear with little metal emblems sticking out the holes? I’ve got a foot condition so they are the only shoes I find comfortable. I’ve got them in a light blue color, I’ve got red ones, bright green ones, orange and black ones and a pair of camouflage Crocs. I also have a couple pairs in brown suede that I wear with my orange pants so I don’t end up looking like a walking Jackson Pollock painting. 

The weird thing is back in the good old days, I had a whole stock of fancy footwear. I had crocodile pumps, I had formal black Mary Janes with red piping, I had a pair of wingtips made out of boar’s hide and I prided myself in always having the sharpest footwear. So when I go out, wearing some nifty outfit, my fancy shoe history collides with my stupid-looking Crocs and I feel weird. 

Here’s another weird thing. My wife thinks I drive too slow, “You’re so pokey!” she regularly says when I’m behind the wheel. So she drives most of the time. But recently, I noticed that she constantly looks out to her left at the passing scenery. Now I have to turn my head to notice her looking out the window so now we’re both looking left. Anyone behind us must see both of us turning to look left at about the same time, both not looking at the road. And we do it almost in unison and there’s really nothing to look at besides grass and trees. So I know the two of us look weird.

Then there’s the pool. When it rains hard, say five inches or so, because there’s only fifteen feet between the pool and the house, water weirdly accumulates between the two and causes the pool liner to float up so the pool steps end up swollen like fat pillows and the floor of the pool levitates up. That’s where the sandbags come in. It takes ten to get the steps to settle and you have to get in the pool and guide the sandbags to the correct places on the steps. That isn’t so bad, but after a couple days when they get waterlogged, getting them out is a Herculean chore. Talk about feeling weird, diving down and trying to hoist sandbags off the steps makes you feel like you’re a prospector in the California gold rush panning gold out of some river. But you’re panning sand out of a pool, not gold out of a river and I call that weird.

How To Tell If You’re Getting Older

There are always numbers, but you can’t put much stock in them. You can keep claiming you’re 39 for a good ten years and “seventy is the new fifty” only clouds the picture. Plus everyone’s chomping down steroids, getting facelifts and taking advantage of other medical advances to disguise their true ages.

So here are some new metrics for you to consider.

Having joints replaced, knees, hips, shoulders, whatever is a surefire sign. You’ve worn out the part God gave you, just like a crankshaft or wheel bearing, and now you have to pick a new one off the rack and have it installed. 

If you have just one friend with a new part, you’re not really getting up there. But if you have three, four, six or seven friends or go to a cocktail party where new hips are what everyone’s talking about, then you know you’re really aging. I once had a dream where a mad inventor put a huge magnet on one wall of the cocktail party and when he turned it on, it sucked everyone with a replacement over to it. I remember thinking, “Look how many of my friends are stuck to the wall. Now they’re old.”

Take me, for instance. I had a pacemaker put in and while it was no big deal (a nurse once told me that pacemakers now are as common as facelifts), it did point out to me that like a cracked cylinder head, my heart wasn’t what it used to be. It needed a machine to run in front of it to, you guessed it, set the pace. So now my heart is chasing a machine and that officially makes me old (Google says 75 is the average age for an implant–plus or minus 10 years). 

But the signs don’t stop there. At a certain age, the garden of aches and pains begins to bloom. This hurts there, that hurts here, my foot, my shoulder, my neck—they’re all talking to me in a way they never have before. You find yourself saying, “Gee, that never hurt before, I wonder where that came from?” 

Turns out there are a whole set of mystery maladies seemingly coming out of nowhere. “I mean, I didn’t fall, I didn’t twist it wrong, I wonder why in the hell my BLANK hurts?” Problem is, they come and go like guerillas in the night. One minute, your back is bothering you, causing you to walk like a pretzel but then that goes away and three days later, you can barely bend your left elbow.

Trouble with all these ailments is that while they randomly attack and then retreat on some weird schedule, you can’t pin them down long enough to get to a doctor. You don’t want to be sitting in some doc’s office and when he asks, “Show me where it hurts?” You have to tell him, “It did hurt right here but it doesn’t anymore.” Talk about getting a weird look. 

The other trouble is that you get no sympathy from your significant other because they too are suffering from mystery maladies. Try for some sympathy for a painful wing and you get, “You say your shoulder hurts, but my hip has been hurting for six months. And I’m not even bringing up my knee.”

Okay, so when you get into competition with your spouse over who’s got the worst aches and pains,  >>>>

<<<< no matter your numerical age, you’re definitely up there.

Then there’s the mental side of the picture, which is not pretty. As you age, the sliding scale comes into play. And it only slides one way. First you have trouble remembering names. While you can dredge up names from the past, the names of people you recently met vanish like hoped-for lottery winnings. 

So before you tell a story, you rehearse the whole thing to make sure you can remember the names of everyone involved. Sort of lets the air out of a story when you start, “So did you hear the one about…jeez, I think I’ve forgotten his name.” You face the same situation with jokes. Once you’ve gotten to the end of a long windup and come to the punch line, it’s not good when you go blank. That’s a hole it’s hard to dig yourself out of. So before telling the joke, you make sure you’ve got the punch line down cold, which is not easy when you’re struggling to remember the body of the joke. 

The dead giveaway that you are old is when you purposefully stride across the house heading to the bathroom to get, say, a Band-Aid. But when you get to the bathroom, the Band-Aid has flown the coop and you’re left standing in the middle of the room wondering what the hell you came in here for. God forbid your spouse finds you staring blankly at a wall because she’s sure to hit you with some zinger like: “What? Did you forget what you came in here for—AGAIN?”

That’s why lists are so invaluable for older people. Only problem with a list is that you have to remember to take it with you. Otherwise you’ll end up standing in a dumb stupor in a supermarket aisle. Or what’s worse, having to call the wife and asking her to read off the list to you. 

Fortunately, there are machines to keep you from going over the edge to total senility. “Hey, Siri,” is like a life ring tossed to you when you can’t remember where the vacuum repair place is, how to get to Costco or what time your dentist appointment is. “Hey, Siri,” gives you a false sense of security until you forget and leave your phone at home. 

The way I see it is that artificial intelligence can’t come soon enough. And I’m not talking about the artificial intelligence I used to run into in advertising. People walking around with fancy MBA’s who couldn’t recognize a big idea even if it walked up and slapped them in the face. 

I’m referring to little machines with odd names like Google Home Mini and Alexa. Losenge-like things that actually talk to you, reminding you of appointments, when your pot roast is done or the name of the junior senator from Wisconsin. Just imagine what they’ll be able to do in the future. Now the things talk to you, in the near future, they should be able to think for you.

For instance, if you find a little senility creeping in, you could activate Alexa and she will take over, monitoring your thoughts, keeping you from acting addled, answering all kinds of questions that normally stump you and making you come across as mentally sound. 

“Dad was starting to lose it until he got his new Alexa machine, now he’s back in the game,” your kids will say. 

Just don’t expect your Alexa will help with your mystery maladies or failing joints, you’ll still have to deal with those. But at least you’ll be able to remember what hurts where. 

My House Can Talk

It didn’t use to, it just sat there like a lump, saying nothing, seeing nothing. But now it’s come alive. 

Because I got a video doorbell. It’s a tiny oblong thing about the size of a Cameo Creme cookie with a doorbell, camera and microphone included. Our old dumb doorbell just rang. Our new doorbell, on the other hand, not only shows you who’s at the door, but it also lets you talk to them. And here’s where the fun comes in. 

The new doorbell comes with an app that shows you who’s at the door and enables you to talk to them on your smartphone.

So you can be say, in Charleston, where we were recently and you get this “ding” on your phone and a message that reads, “Front door camera detected motion on 4-10-19 at 3:33 PM.” You open the app, activate the camera and you can see who’s there. It turned out to be the exterminator spraying around the front of the house. So I tapped the microphone and said, “You want to check the side of the house?”

When he heard my voice, the guy started swinging his head around looking for who was talking to him. Seeing no one, he looked totally baffled. I continued, “There are ants coming in over there.” 

That made his eyes bulge out. Someone was talking to him from somewhere—but where? Now he’s peering around the side of the house, then out toward the driveway. I bet he’s thinking, “The damn house is talking to me.”

I couldn’t resist so I continued, “And I mean lots of ants, millions of them. So I’d appreciate it if you could take a look.” Now he tentatively turns toward the front door as if he’s figured out where the sound is coming from—but no one’s there. He looks like he’s seen a ghost. All he can come up with is, “Oh, oh, oh, okay…”

“Thanks,” I say, and that proves to be too much for him. He gives a weak wave and trudges off shaking his head as if he’d just visited the Twilight Zone. 

We’d bought the video doorbell because we’d heard of a home invasion in a nearby county. Not that we were worried that we’d be invaded, but just as an added measure of security. 

But I had no idea how much fun it could be to talk to people who can’t see you. So I tried it on our housekeeper, getting Annie to join me. Wendy arrives every Friday punctually at 8:20. We waited until 8:21 and sure enough, here comes Wendy up the walk. I get the message, open the app and say, “Hi Wendy.”

She stops dead in her tracks. We’d told her we’d be away so she can’t figure out how we can be talking to her. I nudge the wife and she says, “I put clean sheets on our bed so you don’t have to.”

“Okay, but where are you?”

“We’re in Charleston.”

“That’s what I thought so how can you be talking to me?”

“Video doorbell.”

“Video doorbell?”

“Yup, it lets us see who’s coming and talk to them.”

“You scared the bejesus out of me, totally freaked me out.”

“Sorry.”

“I mean, I recognized your voice but you weren’t there, it was spooky. But now that I know you have one of these things I won’t be spooked anymore.”

Wendy shakes her head as she walks by the doorbell as if she’s thinking, “These sure are weird times we’re living in.”

Now I know she goes out for a smoke break after about an hour. So I wait for the next message. Sure enough, “Front door camera detected motion…” I open the app and say, “You know Wendy…” 

Wendy goes “Eeeek!” And kind of jumps away from the doorbell. 

This time she’s got a smile on her face, “You did it again to me! But now I’m wised up.”

My next victim was the UPS man. As soon as he set the package down at the front door, I said, “Thank you, you can just open the front door and put it inside–we’re away.”

Our front door is indented about three feet so he’s standing there scanning the inside of the doorway while I’m talking. Talk about looking blown-away. I can tell he’s thinking, “Okay, they say they’re away so how are they talking to me? But as he suddenly realizes my voice is coming from the doorbell, he goes, “Aha! You got one of those fancy doorbells that talks, right?”

“Right. Hope I didn’t scare you too much.”

“For a second there, I thought I was hearing things. That’s a pretty neat device, might have to get myself one,” he said as he dropped the package off inside.

Lizzie, a friend who dog sits for us, was to be my next victim. As she came in to feed the dogs, I said to my wife, “I’m going to wait until she leaves and surprise her.”

“Nope, don’t do that, you’ll scare the hell out of her.”

“But it will be fun,”

“Don’t you dare.”

That was the end of that. 

Now I’m conjuring up all kinds of ways to frighten off burglars. I could say, “I’ve called 911 so you’d better get out of here fast.” Or, “I’ve got your license plate recorded so if you dare open this door, the cops will chase you down.”

But I figure just surprising them will run them off. 

“Let me see,” I’m thinking, “the lawn crew arrives tomorrow, maybe I could scare the daylights out of them!” 

I knew it would be cool to have a video doorbell, but I never knew how much fun it would be to have a talking house.

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BOOKWORM: Children and Teen Book Reviews

February 16, 2020 By Keswick Life

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By Suzanne Nash

Now because I was just asked recently to give a few recommendations for children and teens I am including a couple suggestions, both old and new, for the younger readers.

Children who like Harry Potter style stories might find The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill a good choice. It was a 2017 Newberry award winner and introduces the world to Luna, a young witch who struggles to control her powers.

A Song for Ella Grey by David Almond is based on the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. Claire is Ella Grey’s best friend and she is there to witness a love so strong that even death will not destroy it!

A beautiful retelling of a classic legend, The Maze Runner series by John Dasher is a great choice for boys and girls. If you liked The Hunger Games then this series will keep you enthralled. It follows Thomas, a young boy who wakes up to find himself trapped in a constantly changing maze with other boys. It is part of a whole series that has been made into blockbuster movies but there is nothing better than reading the original!

With that theme in mind, consider reading or rereading Little Women prior to seeing the movie adaptation that has just come out in movie theaters. It is a wonderful book to read out loud with your kids.

The Enemy by Charlie Higson is a young adult post-apocalyptic horror story that takes place in London. A worldwide sickness has stuck, turning all of the adults into something akin to zombies and the children have formed groups to combat the threat. There are the Morrison Crew, the Waitrose Crew, and others who struggle to survive and find safe haven. There are seven books in this series so if you like the first one the you are set for your reading material for a while. Higson also wrote the first four books in the Young Bond series, which are also great reads if you are into James Bond!

A book to keep your eyes out for in the new year is The Dark Lady by Akala. It is a dubut novel written by a British Hip Hop artist, journalist, poet, and activist who I rally admire and while I haven’t read this book as it is not out yet, I am intrigued and excited about the buzz I have heard thus far. Akala is inspired by the sonnets of Shakespeare and he has transformed the Renaissance world into a magical one were a young thief and orphan named Henry must find his way. But he has magical power to comat the dark world in which he lives. I am hoping this book will be available in 2020 in the USA and I am really looking forward to picking one up!

He has also written a children’s book called Hip and Hop: You Can Do Anything that has a good message for kids about following your dreams, written in a rap format.

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