You’ve probably heard all about these automated cars that are being developed. Maybe you’d like to know what driving one is like? Let me tell you.
It’s not like I have a Tesla, but I have my favorite Venusian (men are from Mars, the others aren’t) who sits in the passenger seat and drives the car for me. These people from that planet are a talented lot. Which is fortunate since us Martians wouldn’t ask directions unless we had a gun held to our heads.
“Turn here,” she says.
Then, “Don’t follow that car so closely.”
“Slow down.”
“Stop driving so pokey.”
“Watch out for that car.”
Once you get over the desire to scream at her or punch her in the face, it’s actually kind of nice. All the decisions are made for you so you can just relax and sit there with your hands on the wheel knowing you’re not going to have an accident and you’re absolutely guaranteed to get where you want to go.
But that’s not all the benefits to a driverless car. There’s also an automated parking feature, “Park over there, no, no, not that one, this one.”
Plus, if you’ve had one too many, the driverless car prevents you from getting behind the wheel. The prerecorded voice says to you, “You’re way over the limit, I’m driving.”
And the driverless car automatically selects what you want to listen to, even if you don’t know its what you want. “I’ve had enough of this NPR crap, we’re going to listen to some country.”
It’s also got a terrific backup feature also that prevents you from running over a ten year-old child, “ Stop! Jesus H. Christ! Thank God I saw him, you were about to mow him down!”
If the poor guy who did himself in when he autopiloted his Tesla straight into a tractor-trailer had my D. D. (Designated Driverless) system, he might still be happily driving around. “Watch out for the f****** truck!”
“Whew, thanks, I never saw it.”
Now there are some drawbacks. Once in a while if you enter the wrong address, the system will bark at you, “I can’t believe this. How in the hell did you get the address wrong? This isn’t where they live.”
And if you happen to leave the car on empty, the system will come back at you with some frightening invective that I can’t even begin to relate here. Just rest assured that it’s enough to never let you run out of gas happen again.
There is one major problem I’ve found with driverless cars.
There’s no trade-in. Once you go for it, you’re stuck with it for life. But the car makes that clear right from the get-go, “You’re stuck with me, Buster, so just get damned well used to it.” So just make sure you like the vehicle before you commit.
My brother doesn’t have a driverless car but he’s got the next best thing. A state-of-the art computer guidance system installed in his back seat that was developed on Venus in cooperation with MIT. It’s an ingenious combination of Siri and an advanced GPS system that he’s named Susi after his wife, Susan. Its so advanced he doesn’t even have to tell it where he wants to go. Susi intuitively knows his destination and, having calculated all available routes and traffic conditions, immediately tells him what route to take.
“Take the expressway!”
“No, too much traffic, get off here, we’ll take Mass Ave. Get in the right lane, dummy.”
“No, no, not there, turn at the next block. You’re in the wrong lane again.”
Susi is one amazing system, just ask my brother.
Supposedly, this is merely the first generation of driverless cars. There are all kinds of upgrades in the works. One of the things I’d like to see them work on is the voice. Instead of treating you like some low-grade moron, I’d like to see the voice show a little more respect. I know driving is no laughing matter, but if the voice could be a bit more Siri-like, I’d appreciate it. Instead of constantly pointing out what you did wrong, if the voice could say, “I know you didn’t mean to make that left, but I was glad I was able to correct you,” that would be great.
I know that’s a lot to ask for and it will probably never occur, but there’s always a chance that miracles will happen.